Virginia Is For Families

Craig Ferguson, the late night CBS funny guy, was on The Million Dollar Password this evening. Regis was making fun of his accent. But Craig is very smart and he easily won the thing for his partner. Serena Williams looked very lovely but this is not her game.

It wouldn’t be my game either. The pressure to think of another word for “crap” that I could say on television would probably give me a stroke.

“What happened to Dad?”

“He fell out on a television show.”

“And Regis just kept on making jokes while the paramedics removed him. After all some of the audience came all the way from Texarkana, Texas to see the show.”

One of my favorite movies is All That Jazz with Roy Scheider and Jessica Lange. It’s almost a miracle that this movie was so popular. Why? Because it’s a musical and ten years after Easy Rider nobody cared about them anymore. And it’s about death. Not Bruce Willis “action packed death”. It’s more like contemplating death for a couple of hours with your date.

If Bob Fosse wanted to get a few things off his chest he did a great job in this semi-biographical production. And, in fact, Mr. Fosse did die of a heart attack just like his character in the move nearly ten years later. Also he was romantically linked to Jessica Lange for a time. Jessica plays some kind of angelic figure who was waiting for him to cross over in the film so she could give him the love and joy he was so clearly missing in the film.

Apparently they were really into rehearsing these scenes in real live.

Jessica Lange was my imaginary playmate back in the seventies. It started when she did the King Kong remake. I thought she did an excellent job in that film. I can remember thinking “this girl is a very beautiful and talented actress. She is going to be around for a long time”.

Kong thought so as well. I read his mind. He held her in his big paw and said to himself “She is more beautiful and sensual than Marilyn Monroe. I think I will take her home with me.”

But I really was more caught up in the character she played in All That Jazz than in her beautiful self. The main character keeps having these glimpses of her and his life after death. If you have read some of my poetry I am sure you understand what I’m talking about when I say it’s a wonderful movie. And it’s a musical! What a unique undertaking. And it worked!

Time rolls on and now it’s Charlize Theron in my dreams. Sorry Jessica. And Craig Ferguson is the guy I would wish to be more like. He’s so outgoing and yet he’s very intelligent. And he’s funny of course. And handsome. I admit to wanting a larger portion of these things.

Why is it that Charlize is never on his show? I want to see them together. My two idols going at it for ten minutes on the tube. Ah, heaven.

But I will tell you why it won’t happen. . David Letterman! It’s because she is on David Letterman all the time. And David is Craig’s boss. Now do you see? David clearly loves Charlize just as this David does and he is not going to let Craig work his charms on her. Dave’s kind of goofy. But he’s not stupid. And Craig is not stupid either. So he’s not going to make Dave jealous.

I have figured all this stuff out as I sit here trying to regain my health and sense of well being. And I wanted to share it with you. Along with my outrage about this. . . . a list of the top 25 movie stars in the US done less than two years ago.

Do you see Academy Award winning Charlize on this list? No. But whose nobby little head is that about half way down? Paris Hilton! Paris Hilton is a movie star?

http://www.imdb.com/features/rto/2007/starmeter

No she is not. She is not any kind of star. She’s the recipient of a LOT of money who wants to have what she wants to have.

I find it very scary to witness things of this nature. It tells me that my supply of food from the local grocery store is in some jeopardy. It makes me wonder how ANYTHING works if Paris Hilton can convince the world that she is a movie star? Has she ever even been in a movie?

I wouldn’t be surprised if she manages to buy herself an Academy Award someday.

When that happens I am going to start stockpiling food. Because the end will be near.

Then I can settle down in the basement with reruns of David Letterman and Craig Ferguson. And their wonderful guests. Here’s something I will be watching. An interesting scene with Dave and Charlize. Dave is being a little paranoid about Oprah when Charlize mentions that they are friends. SEE! He is very insecure.

Be careful Craig.

Craig would never have her on his show would he?

Here are some headlines out there in news land  this morning.  I can’t resist commenting on them.  Who writes these things anyway?   Some of them  are just. . .

Fed sees economic woes persisting into next year

No!! And next year is SIX WEEKS away!   No turnaround before then?  Because I know we were all hoping life was going to return to normal in time for a really great New Years Eve party.

This headline conveys nothing that we do not already know.  But worse than that it just confirms something we are trying to forget.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden Split Up

I was saddened to learn that Paris and Benji are no longer a couple.  Ever since Benji made that beautiful movie I felt like he deserved someone who could give him the best and probably most expensive dog food available.  And I also knew that Paris worshiped him because he actually did make a great movie (something she would love to do more than anything).  What happened?

Where’s he going to go now?  The kennel just doesn’t make sense for the little guy after where he has been.  Benji we hardly knew you.  Please find a good home.   This headline doesn’t convey enough about a shocking  event.  Another perfect couple bites the dust.  So sad.

Miley Cyrus Isn’t Only Teen Star Who’s Not Dead

I was so happy to read this one. And it really does open the door to many other cheerful headlines. For instance. . . Miley Cyrus Isn’t Only Teen Star Who’s Not Blind.

And she’s not deaf either. She can hear music! Ms. Cyrus is also not living at the South Pole! So she doesn’t have to wear sixteen layers of clothes when she goes outside.  She can get away with wearing that thing her boyfriends like so much in fact.

So many possibilities.

This headline once again states the obvious although we are a lot happier to hear about it.

Brad Pitt Vs. Obsessed Fan On Oprah

I just wanna say that I’m on your side Big Guy on this one. And I understand that “deer in the headlights” look so very well. You are surrounded in this moment by women. Millions of them actually plus Oprah. Maybe the camera guy is a guy I don’t know. And this ecstatic  fan who apparently knows every inch of your body like she’s a ghost at night and seeps under your bedroom door is asking you about your tatoos.
You want to escape. I understand. But where do you go? Angelina is at home with the six  kids and she’s thinking about leaving show business and gaining a hundred pounds. Also she has plans for your next ten tatoos on the kitchen table.

No one is going to recognize you when this is over Brad. Not even you.
Not even the beaming bozette who now wants to know about the tatoo on your stomach!

I’m sorry man.  But you did it to yourself.  You should have stayed with Jennifer who is obviously just a little too sane for you.  Good luck.

This headline is alright.  But  it’s not clear the fan is “obsessed”.  Maybe she’s just a normal Brad Pitt fan.

There’s a scary thought.

Global Stocks at 5 1/2 Year Lows

Do you remember what you were doing five or so years ago?   I do.  I was having a blast.  I had fallen in love with a great girl a few years earlier and we were just getting really comfortable with our relationship.

It was a fun time.  We had enough money to go out to dinner too as did most of America.   And nobody was sitting around  the kitchen table barefoot, eating cinnabons with six kids and planning to turn me into their personal etch-a-sketch either.

Suddenly I’m not so unhappy about the global recession.  If you look at it this way maybe you won’t be either.

This headline leaves out the most important part of the article.  Five years ago we didn’t sag as much and we had more hair.  Let’s all get in a time machine and Get Back!  as the Beatles would say.

Then we can wait almost five years and take ALL our money and SHORT  the stock market.

Sounds like a plan to me.  And the headline mentions none of it.

This headline doesn’t share enough information.

I hope all of this has been helpful to you as you try to come up with good headlines for your posts.  Thank you and have a lovely day.

You too Brad.

Poor guy.