Virginia Is For Families

Here are some headlines out there in news land  this morning.  I can’t resist commenting on them.  Who writes these things anyway?   Some of them  are just. . .

Fed sees economic woes persisting into next year

No!! And next year is SIX WEEKS away!   No turnaround before then?  Because I know we were all hoping life was going to return to normal in time for a really great New Years Eve party.

This headline conveys nothing that we do not already know.  But worse than that it just confirms something we are trying to forget.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden Split Up

I was saddened to learn that Paris and Benji are no longer a couple.  Ever since Benji made that beautiful movie I felt like he deserved someone who could give him the best and probably most expensive dog food available.  And I also knew that Paris worshiped him because he actually did make a great movie (something she would love to do more than anything).  What happened?

Where’s he going to go now?  The kennel just doesn’t make sense for the little guy after where he has been.  Benji we hardly knew you.  Please find a good home.   This headline doesn’t convey enough about a shocking  event.  Another perfect couple bites the dust.  So sad.

Miley Cyrus Isn’t Only Teen Star Who’s Not Dead

I was so happy to read this one. And it really does open the door to many other cheerful headlines. For instance. . . Miley Cyrus Isn’t Only Teen Star Who’s Not Blind.

And she’s not deaf either. She can hear music! Ms. Cyrus is also not living at the South Pole! So she doesn’t have to wear sixteen layers of clothes when she goes outside.  She can get away with wearing that thing her boyfriends like so much in fact.

So many possibilities.

This headline once again states the obvious although we are a lot happier to hear about it.

Brad Pitt Vs. Obsessed Fan On Oprah

I just wanna say that I’m on your side Big Guy on this one. And I understand that “deer in the headlights” look so very well. You are surrounded in this moment by women. Millions of them actually plus Oprah. Maybe the camera guy is a guy I don’t know. And this ecstatic  fan who apparently knows every inch of your body like she’s a ghost at night and seeps under your bedroom door is asking you about your tatoos.
You want to escape. I understand. But where do you go? Angelina is at home with the six  kids and she’s thinking about leaving show business and gaining a hundred pounds. Also she has plans for your next ten tatoos on the kitchen table.

No one is going to recognize you when this is over Brad. Not even you.
Not even the beaming bozette who now wants to know about the tatoo on your stomach!

I’m sorry man.  But you did it to yourself.  You should have stayed with Jennifer who is obviously just a little too sane for you.  Good luck.

This headline is alright.  But  it’s not clear the fan is “obsessed”.  Maybe she’s just a normal Brad Pitt fan.

There’s a scary thought.

Global Stocks at 5 1/2 Year Lows

Do you remember what you were doing five or so years ago?   I do.  I was having a blast.  I had fallen in love with a great girl a few years earlier and we were just getting really comfortable with our relationship.

It was a fun time.  We had enough money to go out to dinner too as did most of America.   And nobody was sitting around  the kitchen table barefoot, eating cinnabons with six kids and planning to turn me into their personal etch-a-sketch either.

Suddenly I’m not so unhappy about the global recession.  If you look at it this way maybe you won’t be either.

This headline leaves out the most important part of the article.  Five years ago we didn’t sag as much and we had more hair.  Let’s all get in a time machine and Get Back!  as the Beatles would say.

Then we can wait almost five years and take ALL our money and SHORT  the stock market.

Sounds like a plan to me.  And the headline mentions none of it.

This headline doesn’t share enough information.

I hope all of this has been helpful to you as you try to come up with good headlines for your posts.  Thank you and have a lovely day.

You too Brad.

Poor guy.

Danica Patric/ Historic IndyCar Winner

This is the number one story right now on Yahoo Buzz. A woman won the big race.

I don’t really have a lot to say about it other than “Great”. I don’t follow racing except when I am out on Interstate 95.

But having watched women drive I have been saying for awhile now that all they needed was the right car and a matching set of tires (along with a few other color coordinated accessories) and they could win any race they entered.  Am I serious?  No!  Of course not!

Jake Long signs with Dolphins/ Top pick in the NFL draft

And to guarantee that he will be there the first day of training camp they guaranteed he will get thirty million dollars. Can you spell DESPERATE? You can bet his body will be there on the first day but what about his mind?

He knows he has thirty million dollars. He has climbed to the top of the NCAA heap only to find himself on the worst team in the NFL. What does that do to a young person’s mind?

The Redskins went down this road a few years ago. I forget the guy’s name. They gave him millions. And he said “Thank you” and proceeded to get beat every time he took the field.

He never played. Welcome to the NFL.

Miley Cyrus signs a seven figure book deal.

Congratulations Miley. The book will focus on her life growing up in Tennessee. And it will cover how her family and especially mother Leticia kept her grounded.

WAP! Do them dishes girl!

No. That’s not right. I must be thinking of somebody else. I saw Miley for the first time when she was on stage with Billy Crystal at the American Idol telethon a few weeks back. She sings really well but my memory of her has been totally overshadowed by Fergie who came out later in leather pants and did a couple of cartwheels while she was doing a dynamite rendition of Barracuda with Heart.

I don’t think I am ever going to forget that

“American Idol” Season 7 Mixtape

The next Buzz moment seems to be an attempt to make fun of Chikezie’s rendition of “She’s a Woman“. This happened back when they were doing Beatles tunes and the rest of us were trying to figure out when Spring was going to arrive. I am sure we wondered about Chikezie too but maybe not as much as this post suggests.

Still it is all in fun and there is even a YouTube video of Chik doing his thing before he headed back to LAX and the intimacies of airport security. See it here if you must.

And finally we have politics in the news. Senator Barak Obama slammed the retired peanut farmer Jimmy Carter for going to Israel and talking with Hamas.

But I have some questions. When Carter goes to talk with these guys how does he know where to find them? Aren’t they supposed to be hiding? And putting that aside can’t the Israeli’s follow his movements and discover where their enemies are hiding and kill them?

What about all the Secret Service guys who protect the former peanut farmer? What happens if hundreds of Hamas guys show up with guns and decide to kidnap the former peanut farmer?

And am I still going to be able to get Jiff Crunchy Style Peanut Butter if something happens to the former peanut farmer during one of these jaunts beyond the outskirts of civllization? Because I really don’t like the smooth kind and Skippy Peanut Butter gives me a rash.

I have lots of questions as you can see. But we have run out of time. Our discussion of the top ten Buzz subjects will continue later at NewsLink Briefs.

That’s my humor blog for those of you who may not know it.

So in fact that’s for everybody.

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