Virginia Is For Families

Craig Ferguson, the late night CBS funny guy, was on The Million Dollar Password this evening. Regis was making fun of his accent. But Craig is very smart and he easily won the thing for his partner. Serena Williams looked very lovely but this is not her game.

It wouldn’t be my game either. The pressure to think of another word for “crap” that I could say on television would probably give me a stroke.

“What happened to Dad?”

“He fell out on a television show.”

“And Regis just kept on making jokes while the paramedics removed him. After all some of the audience came all the way from Texarkana, Texas to see the show.”

One of my favorite movies is All That Jazz with Roy Scheider and Jessica Lange. It’s almost a miracle that this movie was so popular. Why? Because it’s a musical and ten years after Easy Rider nobody cared about them anymore. And it’s about death. Not Bruce Willis “action packed death”. It’s more like contemplating death for a couple of hours with your date.

If Bob Fosse wanted to get a few things off his chest he did a great job in this semi-biographical production. And, in fact, Mr. Fosse did die of a heart attack just like his character in the move nearly ten years later. Also he was romantically linked to Jessica Lange for a time. Jessica plays some kind of angelic figure who was waiting for him to cross over in the film so she could give him the love and joy he was so clearly missing in the film.

Apparently they were really into rehearsing these scenes in real live.

Jessica Lange was my imaginary playmate back in the seventies. It started when she did the King Kong remake. I thought she did an excellent job in that film. I can remember thinking “this girl is a very beautiful and talented actress. She is going to be around for a long time”.

Kong thought so as well. I read his mind. He held her in his big paw and said to himself “She is more beautiful and sensual than Marilyn Monroe. I think I will take her home with me.”

But I really was more caught up in the character she played in All That Jazz than in her beautiful self. The main character keeps having these glimpses of her and his life after death. If you have read some of my poetry I am sure you understand what I’m talking about when I say it’s a wonderful movie. And it’s a musical! What a unique undertaking. And it worked!

Time rolls on and now it’s Charlize Theron in my dreams. Sorry Jessica. And Craig Ferguson is the guy I would wish to be more like. He’s so outgoing and yet he’s very intelligent. And he’s funny of course. And handsome. I admit to wanting a larger portion of these things.

Why is it that Charlize is never on his show? I want to see them together. My two idols going at it for ten minutes on the tube. Ah, heaven.

But I will tell you why it won’t happen. . David Letterman! It’s because she is on David Letterman all the time. And David is Craig’s boss. Now do you see? David clearly loves Charlize just as this David does and he is not going to let Craig work his charms on her. Dave’s kind of goofy. But he’s not stupid. And Craig is not stupid either. So he’s not going to make Dave jealous.

I have figured all this stuff out as I sit here trying to regain my health and sense of well being. And I wanted to share it with you. Along with my outrage about this. . . . a list of the top 25 movie stars in the US done less than two years ago.

Do you see Academy Award winning Charlize on this list? No. But whose nobby little head is that about half way down? Paris Hilton! Paris Hilton is a movie star?

http://www.imdb.com/features/rto/2007/starmeter

No she is not. She is not any kind of star. She’s the recipient of a LOT of money who wants to have what she wants to have.

I find it very scary to witness things of this nature. It tells me that my supply of food from the local grocery store is in some jeopardy. It makes me wonder how ANYTHING works if Paris Hilton can convince the world that she is a movie star? Has she ever even been in a movie?

I wouldn’t be surprised if she manages to buy herself an Academy Award someday.

When that happens I am going to start stockpiling food. Because the end will be near.

Then I can settle down in the basement with reruns of David Letterman and Craig Ferguson. And their wonderful guests. Here’s something I will be watching. An interesting scene with Dave and Charlize. Dave is being a little paranoid about Oprah when Charlize mentions that they are friends. SEE! He is very insecure.

Be careful Craig.

Craig would never have her on his show would he?