Virginia Is For Families

Here are some headlines out there in news land  this morning.  I can’t resist commenting on them.  Who writes these things anyway?   Some of them  are just. . .

Fed sees economic woes persisting into next year

No!! And next year is SIX WEEKS away!   No turnaround before then?  Because I know we were all hoping life was going to return to normal in time for a really great New Years Eve party.

This headline conveys nothing that we do not already know.  But worse than that it just confirms something we are trying to forget.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden Split Up

I was saddened to learn that Paris and Benji are no longer a couple.  Ever since Benji made that beautiful movie I felt like he deserved someone who could give him the best and probably most expensive dog food available.  And I also knew that Paris worshiped him because he actually did make a great movie (something she would love to do more than anything).  What happened?

Where’s he going to go now?  The kennel just doesn’t make sense for the little guy after where he has been.  Benji we hardly knew you.  Please find a good home.   This headline doesn’t convey enough about a shocking  event.  Another perfect couple bites the dust.  So sad.

Miley Cyrus Isn’t Only Teen Star Who’s Not Dead

I was so happy to read this one. And it really does open the door to many other cheerful headlines. For instance. . . Miley Cyrus Isn’t Only Teen Star Who’s Not Blind.

And she’s not deaf either. She can hear music! Ms. Cyrus is also not living at the South Pole! So she doesn’t have to wear sixteen layers of clothes when she goes outside.  She can get away with wearing that thing her boyfriends like so much in fact.

So many possibilities.

This headline once again states the obvious although we are a lot happier to hear about it.

Brad Pitt Vs. Obsessed Fan On Oprah

I just wanna say that I’m on your side Big Guy on this one. And I understand that “deer in the headlights” look so very well. You are surrounded in this moment by women. Millions of them actually plus Oprah. Maybe the camera guy is a guy I don’t know. And this ecstatic  fan who apparently knows every inch of your body like she’s a ghost at night and seeps under your bedroom door is asking you about your tatoos.
You want to escape. I understand. But where do you go? Angelina is at home with the six  kids and she’s thinking about leaving show business and gaining a hundred pounds. Also she has plans for your next ten tatoos on the kitchen table.

No one is going to recognize you when this is over Brad. Not even you.
Not even the beaming bozette who now wants to know about the tatoo on your stomach!

I’m sorry man.  But you did it to yourself.  You should have stayed with Jennifer who is obviously just a little too sane for you.  Good luck.

This headline is alright.  But  it’s not clear the fan is “obsessed”.  Maybe she’s just a normal Brad Pitt fan.

There’s a scary thought.

Global Stocks at 5 1/2 Year Lows

Do you remember what you were doing five or so years ago?   I do.  I was having a blast.  I had fallen in love with a great girl a few years earlier and we were just getting really comfortable with our relationship.

It was a fun time.  We had enough money to go out to dinner too as did most of America.   And nobody was sitting around  the kitchen table barefoot, eating cinnabons with six kids and planning to turn me into their personal etch-a-sketch either.

Suddenly I’m not so unhappy about the global recession.  If you look at it this way maybe you won’t be either.

This headline leaves out the most important part of the article.  Five years ago we didn’t sag as much and we had more hair.  Let’s all get in a time machine and Get Back!  as the Beatles would say.

Then we can wait almost five years and take ALL our money and SHORT  the stock market.

Sounds like a plan to me.  And the headline mentions none of it.

This headline doesn’t share enough information.

I hope all of this has been helpful to you as you try to come up with good headlines for your posts.  Thank you and have a lovely day.

You too Brad.

Poor guy.