Tips and Tricks
(An earlier post with revisions) I need to write a post about the tips and tricks involved in successfully accomplishing some task. It is possible although not likely that I could win 100 dollars just by writing a little post. Isn’t this modern age amazing? Do you know how much more you would have to do to make 100 dollars here in America before the Industrial Revolution? It’s almost depressing to think about that so let’s move along. But not before we also give thanks that the modern age also provides air conditioning because it’s 90 degrees outside and the humidity is 100 percent.
The modern age actually has many advantages. And that leads me to my subject today. Guys, I would like to share with you some of the tips and tricks that will help you to have a better relationship with your wives. And I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the relationship you all have because nobody can really tell what’s going on in another couple’s marriage. Until the bullets start to fly. And even then you don’t really know for sure. Look at that movie that came out recently starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They were trying to kill each other for most of the movie but ended up being pretty happy together. Their house needed a whole lot of repair but they were intact and ready for some real loving. And when we start talking about those two we definitely are talking about real loving. I hope they will forgive me for saying there’s not a major amount of acting going on with those two.
So you are happy and I am happy. We all are happy with our spouses. But there is always room for improvement in everything. And so we are here today to discuss tips and tricks that will help us achieve something more in our married lives. I hope you won’t mind if I introduce at this time a book that supposedly has helped a lot of folks with tips and tricks in this area.
Please forgive me, however, if I do this NOT to suggest the right way of going about this task. I only do it to share with you the wrong way to attempt achieving a state of marital bliss. It’s my belief that we enjoy learning most of all by watching someone else screw up. Big time.
After we sail through this I’m pretty confident the right way to go about things will be pretty obvious to us all.
The book is called Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus. It’s authored by John Gray Ph. D. And it’s available on my library shelf where it has been gathering microscopic life forms for at least the last twenty years.
I believe this book might have been a Christmas present from my former wife. She used to enjoy giving me presents that suggested I was needy in some regard while the entire family was watching. Years earlier during the Yuletide season she gave me two ceramic balls with Japenese artwork and little bells inside. You are supposed to roll them around in your hand and become more relaxed.I know I will regret it if I say any more about my Christmas present so we will just move on. Back to the book. Lesson 1: Don’t tell him he should read the book. Good idea. In fact, I suggest a further instruction. Don’t tell him he should do anything. Ever. Ask him if he would like to do it and open your eyes a bit wider when you do it. Just enough to send a subliminal suggestion to his brain.
The author continues…..””Instead, she should say, “Let’s read this book about sex. It is really fun.” or “This is really a sexy book. Let’s take turns reading it together”” First question. What does “it” refer to in the sentence “ It is really fun” ”? (I paid attention in the 90’s and know how to ask questions.) Because this is going to confuse him. Does she mean “sex” is really fun? Then why does she want to read a book? Why not just have some sex? Or, maybe “it” is fun because she is having ”it” with somebody else! She wants to read to him so there won’t be time for sex. The possibilities are endless and none of them are good. So nix this statement.
The author’s second suggestion is better. He suggests she should just read the book and ignore her husband if he is not interested . That’s good. Because he will definitely be hurt by this. He will feel left out. Unless he is super cool and confident like I was (not). Then he will just laugh as he comes in the room to put on his leather jacket and head out the door. ” Later, baby. Enjoy your book. ”
I always used to think of cool stuff to say and do after the time was right. Introverts need time to consider a response and almost never win in a lover’s quarrel. Their best bet is to marry someone who is more introverted then they are and then they can write emails to each other when they feel contentious.
And here is my favorite part (so far). “Reading this book out loud with your partner can assist you in expressing feelings about sex in an easy manner. By making a simple sound of enthusiasm or delight …you can give your partner an important message”.
It’s all about sounds. That’s true. But you have to be careful. The wrong sound would not be good. And there are more wrong sounds than right sounds. Lauren Bacall was right. Maybe we should just whistle. Keep it simple. No monkey business. NO monkey sounds. And especially no chimpanzees!
And watch your eyeballs, too. If they start going up you are in trouble. If they continue up into your brain and you fall asleep, well, let’s just say you are going to need more help than this book is going to give you.
So my eyeballs are moving northward and it’s time for our bedtime story to end. I’ve tried to add a little bit to the words and wisdom of our man from Mars, Dr. Gray. Hopefully, nobody reads books like this anymore. Today we have Viagra and there was even a commercial on television the other night for the female version of Viagra. No. Not George Clooney. It’s a pill for women. And 98 percent of the customers who buy it are men! So I guess we are all set!
This is the 21st century and we don’t need books anymore. We have computers. We have pharmacies. And we have blogs that tie us up twenty hours per day. So we don’t need to read this book. We need to sleep. And, if I remember correctly, that was what my ex-wife used to tell me all the time.
Don’t tell anyone I said this but maybe she was right!
I hope you have picked up some good ideas from this post. I really can’t think of anything else to share with you about the subject. Just remember to keep your eyes open and use modern age tools and tricks to solve this and any other of life’s little problems. Don’t go back to the last century looking for help!!
We have come a long way since then.
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